chore chart husband and wife

@ecbuergler: We each made a list of ones that we don’t hate, made sure time wise that it was more or less even and then stuck with it @AngieBailey13: We’ll go by taste, or we’ll trade. Like I do [chore] this day/week, Jen does ’tis the next! Or we’ll tackle them together, or tackle the same room together. @LovelyAnomaly: By taste. I hate dusting, but C hates vacuuming. So I vacuum & he dusts. I hate folding laundry, so I wash & he folds. @tillien: well, we took what we each like/don’t like to do and went from there. meaning – him kitchen, me bathroom (though I dont like then everything else can be up for grabs or rotated.) @ItsAshleyKoch: We split all the household chores, including groceries, in half, and then switch off every week. Except for dishes. We switch off every day for those. @deannaogle: I’m not really sure how we decided. Since I cook I took the dishes, and laundry. He took bathroom and trash. And the rest we split depending on who can. It accidentally works! @stefcia: When we clean the whole house, I clean kitchen, he cleans bathroom, I dust and do surfaces, he vacuums and washes floors. Daily chores – he washes dishes (non-dishwasher items), I dry, I load/unload dishwasher. We each do our own regular laundry, but we split gym laundry and linens – whoever gets around to it first. (This is a well-oiled machine!) @smacdo03: I’m the planner/organizer, so I do anything that requires monitoring (laundry, shopping/cooking, finances) while Dave does the ‘it’s here & must be done’ stuff — cleaning, ironing, lawn, snow. Child-care is shared. Almost 8 yrs in, works well.

Some have professional help (I wish!):

@stephcorwin: I do laundry, he does dishes, and the housecleaners do the rest ;) @tatabex: I know it’s not an option for everyone, but we have a cleaning lady come 2x a month. worth every penny not to fight about it.

Some do more work than others:

@liveloudlyk: I wish I knew! I always grocery shop, meal plan and the rest depends on the week but its mostly my week ;) @fabbrunette: I do most of it and when he helps I thank him and act grateful so that perhaps he’ll do it again. #chores @oiler02: I do most of the chores b/c i stay home now but before we each picked disliked the most and the other did them @srslylisa: He does everything! Well, I shop and cook. He cleans.

And some are as clueless as I am:

@redmudnessa: let me know when you find out….8 years and we haven’t figured it out either.

With this in mind and a list of chores (divided into monthly, weekly, and daily chores) typed up, I sat down with Mike and we talked for a while about the best way to divvy up chores. I tried the, “What chores do we hate?” route, but that got nowhere fast, since neither of particularly hate any chores.

Always wanting turn everything into an! Exciting! Activity! I printed out two copies of the chores and decided we’d each mark who does what chores on our sheet and compare:

UPDATE : Here is our chore list on Google Docs – you can save it and edit it to add or remove chores for your and your spouse/boyfriend/significant other/roommate/cat/etc.

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February 8, 2012 at 8:24 am

I really might have to steal this, because we did a rota once, and it lasted a week, and then we fell back into…well, me doing it. I think something visual and on the fridge is the way for us to go.

February 8, 2012 at 9:21 am

Very interesting to read how others do the chores. In our house, I do everything except trash. Occasionally she will wash the clothes. Oh, She handles all the finances. it works out for the most part but I assume after a kid comes into the picture, things change. There is definitely more work to be done. I definitely love this chart. I need it in print stat :-)

February 8, 2012 at 9:30 am

Although we have our chores pretty well divided up (as stated in my tweet!), I actually love the idea of having a printed list we can dry-erase. When we do a big weekend cleaning, my husband writes everything down that we need to do and then we cross it off, but what a waste of paper to do it every week or two! I never thought of coming up with something like this.

February 8, 2012 at 11:20 am

This post couldn’t have come at a better time, because guess what Andrew and I got into a yelling match about on Monday? Yep. Chores. Like you, I’ve felt for awhile that I’ve been doing more than my share and it drives me nuts. I’m definitely going to make us a chore chart and divide things up because seriously, I can’t handle it any more. It causes so much strife. Thanks for this.

February 8, 2012 at 11:28 am

Ashley – I love this idea! Sitting down and dividing things up and making this chart is such a simple thing but really goes a long way. I think my husband and I need to work on this this weekend.

February 8, 2012 at 12:21 pm

You wouldn’t mind passing along your documents for this would you?? I LOVE this idea. This is the number one thing at home we argue about at the time. Chores. Neither of us are the biggest fans. :p

February 8, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Great idea. I feel like I do way more than my fair share, but I don’t like to bring it up in a mature and adult way. I prefer to get sooky about it and then make some rude asinine comment and wait for Peter to pick up on it, so we can argue about it, and he starts to clean up, only to have me feel guilty and snatch the broom/vacuum/cloth/whatever and start doing it myself. Rinse and repeat. Good times.

We need something like this, obviously. With incentives for being good boys and girls (like if we do our chores all week, we get to go out for coffee!) Thank you for sharing!

February 8, 2012 at 12:35 pm

My husband and I have some issues in the past, with him thinking he does more than I do. I think having a chore chart where we can really look at all the responsibilities would be really helpful, plus a check list to make sure things get done! Sometimes I feel like we go a *little* too long between bathroom cleanings… yuck!

February 8, 2012 at 1:19 pm

This is very interesting and perfectly timed. My boyfriend and I recently moved in together and we had the “I-do-more-than-you” argument last weekend. I see that your chore is writing a monthly budget – I’m curious as to how you do this at the beginning of the month without knowing what items may come up or exactly what you’re going to make that month (if you’re a freelancer this could be the case). I’d be interested in you doing a post on the ins & outs of your household budget and how you go about writing it on a monthly basis. Right now ours is kind of on an as-needed try to be frugal but never really know basis and it’s making me crazy!

February 8, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I LOVE the idea of a chore chart. I think writing it out really brings more clarity to who does what (because, come on, let’s be honest, women always tend to lift the heavier load…. ). Thanks for sharing your chart. I might have to come up with something similar :)

February 8, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Thanks for posting this – I’ve been feeling like I’ve been doing “more than my fair share” lately and sitting down to make up a chore chart just might do the trick :) I know a lot of the time I feel like I’m doing SO much – but I forget the things that Nathan does, like taking the car in for oil changes and doing Costco runs (I HATE Costco!)… and he probably doesn’t realize all the things I do either.

February 8, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Look at you – such a democratic process with a great outcome – I love it! Of course, this would never work for me. Because I’m SPOILED and BRATTY and refuse to clean and I also refuse to yell at Sweets until he cleans (because, it takes a lot of reminding – we tried that). So, we pay for a house cleaning service and share (without assignment) the rest. I can tell you we don’t fight about the state of our house. But, we have also come to accept a certain level of disorganization, which neither of us love, but neither of us are really willing to address, either.

February 8, 2012 at 4:56 pm

We don’t have anything official, but I hate vacuuming so Chris does that. I don’t mind surface-cleaning like countertops, showers, and toilets, so I handle the bathroom. Towels/linens are just tackled by whoever gets there first. Good luck with the list!

February 8, 2012 at 6:44 pm

check you out, love that schedule. sadly i don’t think matt and i could stick to one like that, at least not now while he’s partially useless, haha. but i’m with the first batch of your twitter responses in that we don’t make the other do the chores they hate, like i usually wash dishes and matt will put them away. tends to work out okay most of the time.

February 8, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Last summer Eric worked 7-3 and I worked 8:30-4:30 so we had a really good routine going where AS SOON as I got home from work we would spend 30 minutes cleaning TOGETHER. It worked so great for us for a couple months but then Eric went back to school and our schedules got all out of whack and we’re back to not really knowing what to do. I will say Eric is really good about helping when I ask him to but it sucks to have to ask a lot of the time… I would say now our house is messier than ever. I’m totally on the hired help bandwagon, as soon as he’s done school and we’re both working full-time we are hiring a housekeeper! Lol

February 9, 2012 at 12:00 am

This is such a big topic of conversation for anyone who lives with someone else! My boyfriend and I live together and our biggest quarrel is over the dishes. We don’t have a dishwasher, so it really is the biggest chore. I have to be honest, he cooks dinner most often. We are pretty much on our own for cooking our own breakfast and lunch as we are on different schedules then. The dishes battle has gotten so bad ( I mean these things pile up) That we have resorted to ( I am ashamed with my love for a greener lifestyle and all) buying some paper plates and plastic cups. Yes we recycle our cups, and we swear we owe the earth two whole trees in our yard when we get our own land, but this has saved our stress though it is not saving the planet. I know, it’s terrible. So maybe, working out a plan such as every other day someone else washes the dishes, we might live more “green” again.

Luckily I have a great guy and he is so helpful when it comes to cleaning. He helps me cook, grocery shop, do the dishes, laundry, sweep, mop, make the bed, put away laundry, fold laundry, brush the cat, and clean up around the place. Honestly, we are the most happy when we do the chores together at the same time. It gets done quicker too, and no one feels like they are pulling more weight. Though I think a chart would be a great addition to our livelihood. Thanks for sharing! I know it’s not always easy living with someone else and dividing up the chores!

February 9, 2012 at 6:55 am

I used to do more of the housework before I started working full time. Then last year I got a full time job and a long commute so I wanted my husband to do more. It kind of worked but not perfectly so just before Christmas we tried out this website – http://www.chorewars.com We put in all the chores and we log when we do one. Then you can see if one of you does more than the other, assign bigger rewards to the chores you both hate etc. You get “gold” for doing a chore and we decided to make 1 gold = 1 penny on Amazon (1 cent!) which gives more incentive to do chores as you can save up for Cds, DVDs or books. It might sound a bit lame but it’s really worked for us!

February 9, 2012 at 11:23 am

Gosh I love this. Brett and I are pretty good about splitting chores (for now), but I can definitely see this being useful once our little baby arrives in May! Our current chores are split by “gross-factor” – Brett takes out the trash, cleans the toilets, scrubs the shower, and kills the spiders ;)

February 9, 2012 at 3:38 pm

For awhile, we used this: http://www.chorewars.com/

But we fell off the wagon because logging our chores got tedious. Now we just make it work, though I do feel like I do a bulk of the work even on top of all my school work. I regularly load/unload the dishwasher, clean the kitchen, grocery shop (which includes extensive meal planning and coupon clipping), cook, and do laundry. He does anything outside: trash, mow, shovel snow. And he does the litter box when I remind him. We take turns feeding the cat. We don’t regularly vacuum or mop or clean cabinets/closets or anything (yes, we’re lazy and the house is always in some state of clutter/disarray), so that stuff just gets done when I decide it needs to get done. Then I feel awful asking for help.

I’ll keep an eye on these comments, too, to see if any more good suggestions pop up! Thank you for writing a post on this!

February 9, 2012 at 3:48 pm

This is so great and I am probably going to steal it. My husband and I struggle with this all the time and it usually comes to a head because I feel like I’m doing more than my fair share. I love the idea of a chore chart so hopefully he’s as enthused. Hee.

February 9, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Please share your chore document. It looks perfect me my and my boyfriend.

Love your blog!

February 12, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Oh, this is something I totally need! I mean, I live with my mom but she will happily do all the chores (she finds it relaxing??) for the house, only asking me to do things from time to time. And I feel bad! I need to help out more so I’m totally going to use this doc!

February 12, 2012 at 8:46 pm

I’m glad it’ll be helpful! You are so sweet to think of your mom. :)

July 21, 2013 at 1:54 pm

Thank you so much for this post. I’ve been feeling the same way w my boyfriend (hopefully one day husband.) I’m going to use your sheet as a template- LOVE!

September 17, 2014 at 12:00 pm

I know I’m really (REALLY) late commenting on this, but thank you so much! My husband and I have really been feeling resentment towards each other over chores and I’ve been looking for something to help. I think this is just the thing!

May 8, 2016 at 2:26 pm

Thank you for this! I found your blog through Google (love it!) and I’m using your chart as a template (thank you!). I’m creating one that is very specific to M / T / W / TH / F / SAT because my husband (a military brat) thrives on really clear directions and schedule. If I just said weekly every thing would be done on the same day leaving our place a mess for the rest of the week.

September 6, 2016 at 1:44 pm

This is really going to help my relationship. My boyfriend got behind on doing his finances and missed something which had consequences for him, and it freaked him out about the unscheduled nature of our present existence. He took this out on me, even including a comment which essentially amounted to “my ex-wife may have made me miserable but at least she kept the trains running on time”. This is only allowed because it was a really distressing and high-consequence thing he missed, so he was under pressure.

Anyway, we’ve both got the absentmindedness and procrastination-heavy personalities that require something like this to help us keep the trains running at all. The under-my-nose things like cleaning and cooking get done, but the sometime-next-week bits like going through all of the mail and financial matters get missed. For him, same — pill refills get held off until there are only two left in the bottle, the dry-cleaning sometimes stays in the shop for weeks on end after it’s ready. This is by far the best type of chart and system I’ve seen for a couple to assign and keep to its goals… thank you and thank you again.

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Do Chore Lists Actually Help Couples Share Housework Equally?

For many couples who live together, figuring out how to equally share household and family-related responsibilities is an ongoing challenge. This is especially true for relationships between men and women, who are up against centuries-old gender norms and expectations about who's in charge of homemaking and childcare.

One common strategy for couples trying to have a more egalitarian relationship is to divvy up the domestic tasks so that each person is responsible for half of them. For example, one person does laundry and dishes, while the other does cooking and carpool.

But does this method actually work? Does splitting the chores in half and assigning each person their own set of tasks to be in charge of actually result in a truly equal division of labor?

We posed the question to Dan Carlson, Ph.D. , a sociologist and University of Utah professor who studies family relationships, gender, and work.

His answer, point-blank: "No. It's not effective."

The problem with dividing tasks in half.

Sleep support+.

In a new study currently under review, Carlson analyzed survey data on over 1,000 U.S. heterosexual couples who were either married or living together and had kids. The couples answered questions about their division of housework, relationship satisfaction, and perceived equity in the relationship.

The results showed that couples who entirely divvied up the tasks between them, with each responsible for their own set, didn't tend to be any happier with the relationship than conventional couples where the woman does most or all of the housework. Among generally egalitarian couples, Carlson says just half of the couples who used the "divide up the tasks" method actually found their arrangement to be fair.

"The issue with divvying tasks is that tasks vary in their qualities. Some are more time-consuming, less pleasant, and more isolating than others. Divvying tasks is rarely a fair process," Carlson explains. "When tasks are divvied, chances are that one partner will get the short end of the stick somehow."

In a draft of the study shared with mindbodygreen, Carlson offers some examples: Grocery shopping, for instance, might actually be pretty pleasant because it gives a person time outside the house and the opportunity to interact with other people. Cleaning the toilet or stovetop, on the other hand, is a pretty solitary task—you do it all by yourself, it's dirty and kind of gross, and it's possible that nobody will even notice you did it.

There are also routine tasks (daily things like cooking, doing the dishes, and laundry) and non-routine tasks (less regular things like yard work, taking care of the car, and paying bills). If one person is saddled with more of the routine tasks, which tend to make up the majority of the time spent doing housework, it can lead to some contention and frustration over time. Even though on paper it may look like the tasks are split down the middle, one person may feel like they're working on chores constantly while the other is only needing to tackle household tasks every now and then.

"There are a lot of reasons tasks get divvied unfairly, but one is gender," Carlson says. "Gender power in relationships means that women may be deferential to their male partners' desires and preferences. Men may use that power to take on tasks that are more 'enjoyable' or less onerous."

In other words, if a man's assigned tasks are all things that he's more likely to enjoy (say, car maintenance and yard work), while his wife's assigned tasks are the daily slog of life (cooking and laundry), then it's likely the woman may not actually feel better about the division of labor even if her husband is technically doing half the tasks.

What to do instead.

Dividing tasks in half didn't tend to make couples any happier in Carlson's study. But relationship quality did increase the more couples shared tasks—that is, each partner does half of each task. Couples would feel like the division of labor was more fair and satisfying when they were both equally involved in each and every household chore rather than assigning a set of chores to each person.

"Ninety-eight percent of those who share in the completion of all the tasks find their relationships fair," Carlson says. "The reason sharing in the completion of all the tasks works is that it affects each partner the same."

In the paper, he points out that sharing tasks (rather than dividing them up) likely makes partners feel closer to each other because they must communicate more, engage in mutual decision-making and teamwork, and spend more time together—leading to a stronger relationship overall. Sharing tasks also removes the possibility of one person getting saddled with all the undesirable chores and makes sure the couples is equally sharing all the ups and downs of keeping a household running. It just feels more equal and mutual.

"Couples can still create a chore list, but the aim is not to divvy tasks," Carlson says. "Create a list where you decide which days each partner will wash the dishes or do the laundry or take out the trash. Alternate days or weeks. Or maybe even do them together."

In other words, both people should be doing the laundry equally often. Both people should be taking out the trash equally often. "It is OK if there are one or two tasks that you decide to divvy," he adds, "but try to share the load on most things."

That also includes finding ways to share the mental load —i.e., the responsibility of managing and overseeing all the tasks to make sure they get done. If one person is always asking or reminding the other to get their chores done, that's a good sign that the mental load is not being shared equally.

The bottom line.

Although it might seem like the most straightforward solution, the "divide and conquer" strategy likely won't work if your goal is to share the housework equally as a couple. Instead, a system where you're both equally involved in completing each and every task might be more likely to produce an arrangement that feels fair and mutually satisfying.

Of course, if a system where each person is assigned their own set of tasks to be responsible for is working for your relationship, great! There's no need to change something that's working.

But if the chore lists have not been helping, mutually sharing your tasks—instead of dividing them up between you two—might be the secret to creating the egalitarian relationship you crave.

Kelly Gonsalves is a multi-certified sex educator and relationship coach helping people figure out how to create dating and sex lives that actually feel good — more open, more optimistic, and more pleasurable. In addition to working with individuals in her private practice, Kelly serves as the Sex & Relationships Editor at mindbodygreen. She has a degree in journalism from Northwestern University , and she’s been trained and certified by leading sex and relationship institutions such as The Gottman Institute and Everyone Deserves Sex Ed , among others. Her work has been featured at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere.

With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be.

You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter

Adult Chore Charts for Husbands & Wives

Chore reward charts aren’t just limited to kids. Check out how we developed our own chore charts for husbands & wives or chore charts for adults and get your free printable.

Why We Set Up Adult Chore Charts:

You go to work, you work hard, and you come home and instead of relaxing, you have more work to do! The work never seems to end! My husband and I have specific things around the house that we do on a weekly bases that we downright hate, put off or forget about.

What Tasks to Include on Your Adult Chore Charts:

Couple doing dishes together from adult chore chart

What you decide to put your chore chart should be based on four types of things:

Here are some examples of things you may want to put on your own chore chart:

What to Set as Your Rewards:

Remember that with these adult chore charts, they don’t have to be money-based. They can be reward-based. Here are some ideas for how to reward yourself.

How to set up your adult chore charts

Step 1- budget money or rewards for your adult chore charts..

Step 2- Print out Your Weekly Adult Chore Charts

Step 3. Hang Up Your Adult Chore Charts

My husband and I hung our adult chore charts up in our bathroom so that each night before we went to bed we could check off our items. We also use that room often and consistently so it was always there to remind us.

Step 4. Reap the Rewards

Tips for Motivation:

I was diagnosed with ADD as an adult so doing any kind of menial task is torture for me. Therefore I’ve learned that if I will watch TV or listen to podcasts while I do my work it helps give my brain the exciting input it’s looking for and makes the task way less boring.

Consider Out-Sourcing if It Makes Sense-

One thing that I was never good about was considering the idea of handing off stuff that I don’t really have time to do to a service, someone else or automation software. When I learned to do this, I freed up some really valuable time to grow my business, spend time with my kids and do more of the things in life that I really enjoy. Here are some things you might be able to outsource or get help with!

Goal-Based Reward Adult Chore Chart System

Another approach you can take is with goal setting. This system is based on setting one big reward for yourselves that you earn based on achieving smaller goals.

Kim Anderson is the organized chaos loving author behind the Thrifty Little Mom Blog. She helps other people who thrive in organized chaos to stress less, remember more and feel in control of their time, money, and home. Kim is the author of: Live, Save, Spend, Repeat: The Life You Want with the Money You Have. She’s been featured on Time.com, Money.com, Good Housekeeping, Women’s Day, and more!

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Home / Date Night / Sexy Chore Chart for Couples

Sexy Chore Chart for Couples

published on June 16, 2022

The Only Chore Chart That Takes the Bore Out of Chores

Sexy chore chart. We bet you’ve never heard those three words associated with one another, ever! Lucky for you, the Divas think of everything , even finding a way to make chore time a little less boring!

This chore chart will be a favorite in your home! We’ve created a list of household chores as well as a list of sexy chores for you and your spouse to complete together. In the end, your house will be squeaky clean while you and your spouse are feeling a little dirty! {Wink!}

Just an FYI: this is a chore chart for adults . We made sure to make the printable chore chart family-friendly, so it can be hung anywhere in the house, but the list of sexy chores should stay out of reach from the kids.

This sexy chore chart for adults is nothing like you've ever seen! | The Dating Divas

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. To learn more about ’em, click here .

Chore Chart Printable

How to use your sexy chore chart, preparing your chore list, how to make chores more fun.

You are going to love this printable! As we mentioned above, it’s very “mild,” so it won’t cause any awkward questions if the kids happen to see it hanging on the fridge. However, you may want to keep the list of sexy chores somewhere else.

This chore chart for couples takes the bore out of housework! | The Dating Divas

In this free printable set, you’ll find:

Now for the fun part! You’ll notice that your chore chart for has a blue rectangle and a pink rectangle next to two rows of 10 boxes. Be sure hubby writes his name in the blue box, and wifey writes her name in the pink box!

One section of 10 boxes has a picture of cleaning supplies next to it, while the other 10 boxes have lips next to it. This is how you’ll keep track of all the chores you’ve completed! We recommend using stickers or a pen to mark off each square.

This chore chart will become a favorite among husbands and wives! | The Dating Divas

We have provided 30 household chore cards and 10 blank household chore cards. Use the blank cards to write down chores that are specific to your home!

You will also find 15 sexy chores for him and her, as well as 5 blank cards for each. This makes 20 sexy chores in total for both of you. We thought it would be fun if you could customize some of the sexy chores as well!

At the end of the day, you and your spouse will have completed 20 household chores combined with 20 sexy “chores”.

Organizing this chore list is easy-peasy when you use three jars or bowls. | The Dating Divas

Start by cutting out the chore list and the sexy chores and divide them into three separate bowls or jars. One bowl will be for the household chores, the second bowl will be for the husband’s sexy chores (these are blue), and the third bowl will be for the wife’s sexy chores (these are pink).

Select a day where both of you have the time to do the housework together . Once you’ve set a day, hang your chore chart somewhere neutral, preferably where both of you can easily see it. Mark off the squares as you complete each household chore and each sexy chore. Whoever is the first to complete both of their lists of chores wins, and that person gets to choose the activity for the evening! 😉

When you’re ready to begin, each of you will draw one household chore as well as one sexy chore. Be sure to draw the sexy chores from the appropriate bowl!

Both of you have the duration of the household chore to complete the sexy chore. For example, let’s say the husband draws “take out the trash” as the household chore and “kiss her neck” as his sexy chore. This means he has to kiss his wife’s neck before he is finished taking out the trash! Once he finishes both chores, he can draw one new household chore and one new sexy chore.

This adult chore chart makes housework FUN! | The Dating Divas

Are you blushing yet? This cleaning experience is anything but boring!

We don’t know about you, but we love jamming out to some good music while cleaning the house! Here are five of our favorite Spotify playlists that will help you stay motivated while doing the housework:

We've got a sexy chore list just for couples! | The Dating Divas

We hope this chore chart helps you and your sweetie stay connected while doing something that usually keeps you apart! Have fun!

Sexy Chore Chart

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I am an avid DIY'er, a Disney lover, and an amateur foodie! Chips & salsa, chocolate, and Diet Dr. Pepper are a few of my favorite things. I'm married to my best friend who is literally my Prince Charming, and I'm a mommy to two darling little princes! You'll often find me in the kitchen baking with my kiddos, or snuggled up on the couch listening to a good book or true crime podcast.

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How to Split Chores When the Honey-Do List Gets Heated

Housework can put extra stress on a relationship if one person doesn’t think their partner is contributing enough.

Woman doing a chore she and her spouse alternate

Maintaining a clean house can be tough for anyone, especially if you’re a working parent or balancing a full-time job and a side gig. But as times are changing and households are being redefined, maybe now is the time to rethink how you and your partner divide up the chores.

How chores have changed

The nature of housework has changed over the years.

Gone are the days of the 1940s housewife doing all the chores while the husband works at the office. Today, families and gender roles are different, as is the workforce. In fact, as of 2017, an estimated 54.4% of U.S. households were dual-income.

Technology has changed too, making housework different (and sometimes, faster).

Take the vacuum cleaner, for example. First developed in 1901 in Britain, the vacuum cleaner was a massive four-wheeled cart that needed to be pulled from house to house by a horse, and only the wealthiest London neighborhoods could afford a visit.

But over the years, vacuums would get smaller, smarter, and more intuitive. Where it may have taken an hour to vacuum your home before, you can now program a robot vacuum to clean up while you’re away.

Is a 50-50 chore split really fair?

When it comes to dividing up the household chores, it can be tough to decide which tasks are equal to one another. This makes finding the perfect 50-50 balance almost impossible.

If you’d like to learn about a better way to split chores than the standard 50-50 approach, read this.

Sure, washing all the dirty laundry may take your partner several hours to complete off and on, but is it equal to the time that you spent elbow-deep in chemicals cleaning the bathroom floor?

When each task takes a unique amount of work and focus to complete, it can be very difficult to find an even 50-50 split, especially if one partner feels they have less time to complete tasks in a day because of their jobs.

So what do you do?

Equity over equality

Well, you could start lowering the tension by approaching the division of labor with the goal of equity, not equality.

Equity, in this case, means that balance is achieved because both partners agreed on fair adjustments based on each other’s needs and net contributions in the home as well as outside of it.

For example, if one of you is working part-time while the other is working full-time, the person working fewer hours could take on additional tasks around the house.

Or, if one partner’s day job is very strenuous and requires a lot of physical exertion, they may wish to do chores that are more related to planning, paying, and organizing than to physical labor.

This idea seems to have some support in research too. When things feel fair and your work feels valued, studies have shown that you will feel more motivated and committed to your work.

When you both have jobs

Now, all of this may work in theory , but what happens when it’s time to cook and you’ve both just wrapped up a grueling 40+ hour work week, or one parent had to travel for work and the other dealt with a house full of sick kids and a new puppy?

Allow yourself and your partner to rest if you both need it

It’s best to talk with your partner about their needs and be open to sharing your feelings with them. Maybe you both want to just sit and watch a movie and divide up the chores later. This is totally fine and will help to avoid burnout if you aren’t always pushing yourself (or pushing a resistant partner ) to get up and get going. After all, the dishes have been waiting this long, what’s a few more hours?

Set realistic expectations each week

It can feel incredibly defeating to aim for a target and miss it. In fact, you are more likely to lose your motivation if you frequently fall short of your own goals. Check in with your partner to make sure that your goals can be reasonably achieved each week.

There’s nothing wrong with being optimistic about how much you think you can achieve, but if you’re trying to pack 25 hours’ worth of tasks into a 24-hour day, you will be disappointed when you come up short.

When one of you is the primary homemaker

When dividing up the chores, remember that not every task is visible and not all tasks are physical.

A stay-at-home parent may spend the day driving their kids to school and back, scheduling pediatrician visits, being a comfort to their crying child, and staying on hold for an hour while calling the insurance company. No doubt these tasks are important; it would be easy to dismiss the mental load paid to them because it wasn’t physically taxing.

If someone is the primary homemaker, it’s fair to have them take on the majority (not all!) of housework while the other person is away at work, but it’s important to keep in mind the emotional and mental output these jobs require.

How to divide duties

Candid communication and considerate listening are always key for negotiating anything in a relationship . Talk with your partner about the chores you hate doing and others that you don’t mind as much.

For example, a person who is naturally introverted might find the mental and emotional load very high when calling their internet provider to negotiate a better rate. However, if their partner is more of an extrovert (and maybe enjoys being a bit argumentative), they can make the call instead. In the long run, less aggregate energy will be spent on the task and perhaps the introvert can redirect to another chore.

Everyone has different strengths and preferences when it comes to housework, and being able to divide things up on this basis can help everyone feel less drained.

How to handle a stonewall, stalemate, or default on chores

If you find that your partner is pushing back on a particular chore, try to stop and ask yourself why they’re doing that.

It’s unlikely that they’re refusing to do it because they simply want to be belligerent or difficult. Maybe they feel like they do it too often or can’t do it correctly, or maybe it ties into resentment or an unresolved issue in your relationship.

As frustrating as a stalemate can be, approaching the situation with objectivity, compassion, and understanding will lead to a far better result than approaching it with force and demands.

However, if they don’t have a clear reason or feel like “they just can’t handle it right now,” it may be worth discussing their feelings, as they may be dealing with some deeper internal issues.

In this case, it’s best to consult a mental health professional, because it may be a sign of a mental health issue.

Mental health conditions that make chores difficult

Here are some conditions you may not have known can cause daily challenges at home:

Chores checklist

No one knows your household’s specific needs better than you do, but here are a few chores to consider owning or alternating that you might forget about:

Let’s recap

Chores are no fun, and it’s natural for you and your partner to squabble over whose turn it is to do what. But if you approach chores as a battle or something that you dread, that negative attitude will find its way into your relationship .

You can practice being open about your preferences and be receptive to what your partner shares in return. The more that you can build shared task equity the more you will view your partner as a support system and less like an adversary.

Last medically reviewed on July 20, 2021

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